It’s oh so quiet

The last month has been a struggle. I have fallen into my old pattern of constantly seeking distraction and reassurance.

Spending my mornings and evenings restlessly  flipping through my phone, texting friends, reading articles and comment threads, and arguing with strangers on Facebook.

Doing anything to not think about being lonely, being bored, being hurt.

I haven’t dated, although I have talked to a couple of guys. In neither case were they candidates for serious relationships. The attention made me feel good, though — I felt happy and excited and, well, valuable, when I heard from them. And then when it fizzled, I felt rejected. Worthless. Alone.

Every time it happened, it amplified. Every time, I plunged deeper into my world of social media and disconnectedness from the real world.

So, I am trying to take baby steps to get back on track. Putting the phone out of reach. Keeping it out of my bedroom at night. Focusing on my breathing, and what I can hear and see and feel. Being okay with being alone in my head and in my house.

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