I’m fighting the impulse go back through this blog and erase every mention of C. That’s always my first thought — pretend it didn’t happen and hide the evidence. Delete the photos and texts, unfriend him on Facebook, and don’t face any unpleasant reminders.
And yes, the photos and texts ARE gone. I’ve blocked him on Facebook, not because I don’t want him to know anything about my life but because I don’t want the temptation of focusing too much on his. But erasing the evidence won’t erase the past, and this blog is about my journey. Like it or not, he’s part of it.
I’ve learned a lot from my relationship with him:
- I’ve learned that while I do have trust issues, I can put my nose to the grindstone, do the work, and make progress. I feel that I actually handled a difficult situation with maturity and understanding. There are things I wish I would have done differently, but overall, I know I did far better than I would have even a few months ago.
- I’ve learned that not everything that goes wrong in a relationship is my fault, and that my first impulse is no longer to accept responsibility for things I don’t genuinely feel responsible for.
- I’ve learned that I can recognize and call out inappropriate or hurtful behavior, and not feel regret if that person chooses to no longer be in my life because of it.
- I’ve learned that breaking up with someone who has shut you out and hurt you and blamed you and then ended things via text without even attempting to talk things out with you is really not too painful when you think about what a lifetime with that person might have been like.
The biggest struggle has the cognitive dissonance — how did the man who had been so loving, so thoughtful on so many occasions turn into this guy? What happened to the man who called me the love of his love and said he wanted to go everywhere in the world with me? How did he go from introducing me to his children to ending things over such a foolish argument?
The only answer I have is that he was very happy with our relationship while things were easy and undemanding, but that he couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with the more challenging aspects. And that’s confusing to me, because I feel like we had done that before. Twice in the earlier days, I had ended our relationship because of concerns I had over some events from his past. I know he was hurt, but he was kind, and both times we worked through it. Maybe the difference was that, those times, I was willing to take all the blame.
I don’t really miss him. I feel like I can’t, because I’m not even sure I knew him. But there is definitely a sense of emptiness and loss. I miss what I thought we had.