This is a hard post to write, because the entire premise of this blog has been me not dating. But I saw C. on Sunday. And it was incredible.
He texted me that morning and said he just wanted to say hello and hoped I’d been doing well, that he hoped I understood why he hadn’t been able to communicate with me, and that he thought of me often.
Reader, I called him. We talked for almost two hours. I told him how much I missed him, how many times I’d wanted to reach out. He said he’d felt the same. I asked him to come over. He said he wasn’t ready. I pushed. And I pushed. Eventually he agreed. I promised him we weren’t going to make any decisions about anything.
I was in his arms almost the minute he opened the door. We had an amazing few hours together before the kids came home. He said he missed me and loved me, but he was afraid of being hurt again. He was afraid of hurting me. He was afraid of interfering with the work I was trying to do on myself.
The next day, I asked him how he felt about things. He said it felt very, very good to see me again and he’d missed me and all the ways we connected so well. He reiterated his concerns. I agreed that it hadn’t been what I had been expecting either, but that I didn’t regret any of it. Well, I did regret one thing. I told him I was very sorry for having pushed him to come over when he’d said he wasn’t ready. I had been so happy to hear from him and excited to see him, but it wasn’t OK for me to do that, and it wasn’t respectful of his boundaries, and it wouldn’t happen again. He thanked me and said he appreciated that.
He added, “We both still have things to consider and work on and yesterday shouldn’t change that, but it really was wonderful to see you yesterday.” I admit, I don’t know what that means. “I’m thinking about it but I need to ruminate a while”? “Nothing has changed and don’t get your hopes up”? Guy friends have advised me that they do not put secret hidden meanings into their text messages, though, and to stop driving myself crazy trying to decode them.
I do hate how I’m back on the roller coaster. I am trying to stay in the present moment and be comfortable with uncertainty. (This is NOT my strong suit, nor is delayed gratification. On numerous occasions in my life, I’ve been compared to Veruca Salt from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”) However, I know C. well enough to know that he doesn’t leap into things. The last time we got back together, it took several days for him to make the decision to try things again. And maybe that’s good, because I’m more the type who jumps in head-first, yelling, “COOOOOWWWWWAAABUUUUNGAAAAAAA!!” And as Dr. Phil says, “How’s that working out for you?”
I am trying very hard not to push. That’s tough, because it’s kind of my forte. A friend suggested I keep this “Big Bang Theory” scenario in mind.
I am also trying to figure out 1) how I would work on myself if we were together, and what that would look like (I have no freaking clue), and 2) if I would be able to have him as a presence in my life if he/we decide not to pursue a relationship (probably not at the moment).
Part of me thinks, and most of my friends advise, that I’m not ready, and that I need to walk away. But I am also hesitant to give up this amazing man again. Maybe hesitant isn’t the right word. “Terrified.” That might do it. I do know that whatever I do, I need to stay the course with learning to love myself, learning to accept uncertainty and vulnerability, and finding validation within myself and not from other people.